Wednesday, February 13, 2008

boys don't make passes

My eyeglasses finally arrived! Five weeks after I ordered them. I put them on and immediately felt dizzy and disoriented. I'm thinking there's a depth perception phenomenon with which I was previously unfamiliar, seeing as how my left eye is mostly for show.

So I took the glasses off and started again the next morning when I got in my car. It was way cool, like putting on racing goggles. And I felt so impressed with myself, being honest about adhering to DMV guidelines and all that. My formerly horrified eye doctor would be proud. When he asked, "How are you driving?" I confessed that I memorize the eye chart with my right eye so that I can pretend to read it with my left. He said he didn't want to hear any more.

Driving down the street was like an acid trip. Or, er, how I imagine an acid trip would be. Everything is so beautiful! The colors are so bright! You can see individual blades of grass! That sign says One Way!

It was very cool. I'm just amazed that the rest of you walk through a world like this every day and never mention how exotic and gorgeous it is. I watched a bad movie last night and totally saw every detail.

Which sucked, because Jodie Foster wasn't naked once. Not even when she took a shower. I kid you not, she actually showered fully dressed. If you don't believe me, rent The Brave One. You, too, can witness the complete lack of chemistry a dyke musters up for her leading man. There is, however, a scene in which she saves a prostitute that's replete with a lot of gratuitous kissing and erotic hand holding. Sorta made up for stuff.

Anyway, the glasses instructions say you have to wash them once a day. Which makes sense now that I think about it, but makes me feel even sorrier for the kids who had to get glasses in third grade. Too much responsibility, too soon. A friend of mine once got in trouble because he accidentally lost his glasses in the refrigerator.

Knowing my record with cell phones, I'll find a way to top that.


J Allison said...

goddess, you are the funniest chick ever. I'm totally running out and renting that movie. Can't wait to hear where you misplace your glasses. I didn't even know you had eye issues!!! How HAVE you been driving??

Audrey said...

The rest of the world thanks you for driving with your corrective lenses. I think local cats are probably glad, too. They had your license plate flagged as "danger."

Einherjar said...

Hmmm, your post helps explain that movie better. Lesbian or not, Jodie is still hot and for the record, Men make passes at women wearing glasses, not boys.